How do you tell your new gf that you’re tg?

I seem to have found myself suddenly going out with a girl.

This in itself is not a problem. I like girls. Girls are nice. However at the time we got together she didn’t have the foggiest idea about who I was deep down.

I recently met this girl in church (yes, I appreciate how strange that may sound coming from a self-confessed tg bondage kitten but I shall save that discussion for another day) and we started hanging out. We had a lot of shared interest, although I’m fairly confident that I at least have some interest that she perhaps does not share. I started hanging out at her flat and cooked her a few meals, afterwards curling up on her couch and watching some films by one of my favourite Japanese directors, Hayao Miyazaki, who she also loves.

Anyway, one thing led to another and we kissed.

I wasn’t quite sure what to make of this. Like I said, I like girls. But could she like me if she knew me? Should I tell her or should I try and hide those things?

I’m generally an open and honest person. In face, if I was not back living in the town where I’d grown up I’d probably be more open about my alternative interests. When I lived in Japan all my closest friends knew I was TG and thats the way I liked it. However, being back home and around parents and old friends things were never so easy.

I found myself wondering if I should ignore this girl or not return her calls so that we would actually go out and I could carry on as before. The only problem is I found it was me who was texting her and popping over. I knew however that we could not go out unless I told her who I really was.

Now I said she was a Christian, but like me I think she’s at a point where we figure there is a God probably, and people in church are nice, but the two facts might not neccesarily be related. I guess you could say we’re both pretty liberal about our faiths. I figured that I would start small and work up. If I scared her off before I told her I was TG so be it.

Perhaps a little forwardly then, one of the first question I asked her when we were out on a romantic moonlit walk by the river was her thoughts on sex before marriage. Most of our Christian friends shun the idea of sex before marriage but I’ve always thought sex should be fun and if you save it for the person you’re meant to settle down with for life then you’re not getting the most out of what is surly a God-given gift? She revealed that she had in fact had sex – although it was before she became a Christian, but seemed quite happy with my idea that sex should be enjoyed. She felt it should be more savoured as a special occasion then a casual occourence which I could agree with.

With a sigh of relief I said that was one down – implying that there was more to follow. I quickly explained that I like her – I thought she was great – however I wasn’t sure if we’d known each other long enough to be really going out and didn’t want to rush into anything before she knew some things about me. If she didn’t like what she heard I was prepared to cut my losses and run, but there was no way I was going to hide too many secrets. That kind of approach has ways of coming back to bite you.

So I pressed on. If she wasn’t phased by the fact I’d had sex she might not be worried that I was effectively bi. I told her I didn’t believe in sexuality and had been with guys. She actually thought this was cute and asked if I’d had a boy friend! I think my ideas about gender and sexuality being social constructs appeal to many people so I was able to expand on this by telling her I didn’t believe gender was fixed either and this, of course, resulted in me revealing that I was transgender.

Again she took it well. As I look back now, I can’t for the life of me remember what she said exactly, so relieved was I that she didn’t reject me. She certainly wasn’t “yay my boyfriend is tg” but she did like the idea that we could now share clothes.

It’s still early days. I don’t want to make out that it’s all done and dusted and she’s accepted me with no qualms. We’ve still not know each other long and although I’ve told her I’m tg she’s no idea what I look like as a girl so the next step perhaps is to show her a photo and ideally some time soon have her over to my place to see me dressed in the flesh.

But it’s a good start. The beginning of the relationship is certainly the best place to mention the fact that you’re tg if you get half an oppertunity. So yeah, watch this space I guess.

Purple Pics

Transgendering for Dummies: The difference between cd, tv et al and why it doesn’t really matter

Yesterday one of my Facebook friends asked the question ‘What are the differences between drag, crossdressers, transsexuals, transvestite, tranny, T-girl etc etc….I never understand…..:(‘. I answered back, a little too quickly perhaps, that I didn’t feel it really mattered especially as whatever definition I gave someone else would disagree with. Rather glibly I said that it was best not to bother too much about this kind of thing and, while this is true, I do not feel it was a very good answer.

Anyone who has spoken to me on this topic, or read parts of my blog closely will know that I normally go out of my way to avoid rigid definitions and pigeon holing. The problem with this approach is that all too often I am essentially saying absolutely nothing.

Whether I acknowledge them or not however these definitions do exist. Although I might not think categories important other people do and inn this post I hope to present a brief description of how I think these terms are understood within a UK social consciousness before explaining why I believe it is important to move on past these understandings.

As a trained anthropologist, I’m aware that my worldview differs to that of others and, even though I have limited myself to examining gender in my own culture there will be people who disagree with my ideas. I invite all comments on this article but ask people to bear in mind that that I am not attempting to be prescriptive in my definitions nor pigeon hole people. I am simply expressing existing categories as I understand them.

Transgender

I general refer to myself as a t-girl or say that I am transgender or tg. This term appeals to me as I feel it says everything and nothing at one time. It is broad without being specific and at the same time shows my distinction from being male or female. Trans is generally understood to mean between the accepted genders of male and female but could also be understood as transcending the genders or rising above them. I am reluctant to mention this view too often as I feel it seems pretentious but it may be helpful to some people.

I previously stated I try and avoid defining myself so why then would I describe myself as transgender? I feel it important to do this outwardly at least as it allows people to find their own way to react to me. If I told someone I was male they might think I was just dressing for fun. If I told someone I was female they might think I was a bit confused. The term Transgender confuses many people as it is a new term to many people with the more common name outside the scene being Tranny. I am not overly fond of this phrase as I will explain and so the more people use the term transgender in the public eye the better. I feel it is a term that covers the whole spectrum of t-related issues and is the most inoffensive and least definitive option.

Tranny

In most definitions of popular culture, a male who dresses as a female is a Tranny, while this word sounds as if it is short for something for most people it is not. Tranny does not distinguish between a person who dresses casually and a transsexual and to most British people I feel they are seen as one and the same thing. Trannies in popular culture are normally seen as a figure of fun. While some television programmes are starting to deal with transgenderism in a sensitive way the majority of people will be familiar with trannies as comedy motifs. The protagonist of a comedy will go to bed with a gorgeous woman and find out that she is in fact a man! (or at the very least has a penis). They are a guilty taboo, sleeping with a ladyboy when on holiday with the lads in Thailand is a guilty mistake never to be mentioned. Even finding someone attractive before finding out they’re a tranny is a threat to masculinity.

This is how I understand the term tranny and is the association I believe exists in popular culture (please tell me if you disagree) however some people have less problems with the term. Sparkle’s beauty pageant is known as ‘Tranny of the Year’ and as far as I’m aware it is not buying into this stereotype. Perhaps it is brave to claim an offensive term as your own, much as the term ‘gay’ was embraced by the homosexual community, or perhaps for some people it does not bother them. At the end of the day it is only a word and words only have power if you care to give it to them.

Drag

Of all the terms associated with the transgender scene, drag is probably the most removed. Some would argue that it does not belong with the others and perhaps it does not. Certainly from within the tg scene, and what I understand of the drag scene they are seen as very different. A drag artist is a male who presents themselves using over the top motifs of femininity while at the same time being seen as a male. Big hair, big make up, outfits designed to make a big impression. Few, if any, drag queens identify themselves as being female, they dress for the fun of it, not to pass, in the stylised manner of a drag queen not as a woman. Women who look like drag queens rarely exist, at least not deliberately.

Cross Dresser and Transvestite

This is probably the most controversial section I have to deal with and I fully expect people to have different views. To mainstream society Cross dresser (cd) and transvestite (tv) mean pretty much the same as ‘tranny’ but are less used. To some transsexuals perhaps this is the same? Neither are words I would apply to myself but perhaps they are the most likely way I am seen by others.

One of the most frustrating things about the terms cd and tv are that they mean exactly the same thing. Transvestite just being French for a person who crosses clothes, however on the scene there is perhaps a distinction.

It is not something I witnessed in chat rooms, and rarely at tg events such as Sparkle or BNO, but there is a cadre of people who, while happy being male, enjoy dressing as females. They might not try to pass, they might not wear make-up, they might not wear a bra, they might not wear a wig. Perhaps they do none or all of these things. For some cd and tv are synonymous, but for others a cross dresser is simply a man dressing as a woman who is happy being a man dresses as a woman. I apologise if that is a confusing way to express it, but certainly in my understanding a cross dresser is happy being seen as a man but enjoys wearing woman’s clothes. A transvestite on the other hand does not see themselves in this way.

For a cross-dresser the aim is not to pass, they do not wish to be accepted as a woman and are happy being seen as a man. For them it is only about the clothes. While transvestite means essentially the same thing, they care more about passability. They are more likely to identify themselves as a female, or at the very least not a male and wish to be treated within the remits of female gender relations. A cd is happy to be refered to as ‘him’ as tv is not.

As stated this is an imperfect definition and I fully expect, and indeed invite, people to disagree with me. However I hope that for some people this distinction might be helpful. While I do not generally identify myself as a tv (preferring the less definite tg distinction) I feel that many people would view me as such. I am essentially a male who wishes to be seen as a female.

Transexual

This is our final area to look at and is no less controversial as the previous topics. There is perhaps a hierarchy of transgenderism or a progression. People begin by dressing in the clothes alone (cd) and some might hope to pass (tv) those who take it past this stage may call themselves transsexuals or ts. Whether there is a stage after this one is up for debate.

Some people may define themselves as transsexual if they feel that they identify themselves as female and nothing more, however the social majority would perhaps see a transsexual as more than that.

Generally a transsexual has decided, at least on a mental level, to transition, to begin the process of changing their outward gender and inward sex to the opposite of that which they were born. (This article is aimed towards male to female transition m2f, parts possibly apply to f2m but this is not an area I know as well.)

It is possible to take the COGNITI test and be told you are a transsexual at any point, however for most people they become a transsexual when they begin their transition either by seeing a doctor, starting to take hormones or resolving to live as a female full time. It is possible to be a casual cross dresser. Casual transsexuals do not exist.

Transsexuals come in all shapes and sizes. Some are seen by society as strange men with breasts, others as manly woman and some are not noticed at all. It is the goal of all transsexuals to be accepted as woman as far as possible.

Conclusion

As stated at the start this is not meant to be a definitive classification of the transgender spectrum. I believe it is wrong to attempt to define people and to tell them what they are or are not. The motivation was to share my understanding of the so called ‘common-sense’ understanding of tg themes as I see them existing within the UK scene and wider society. More than anything this article is meant to provoke discussion and I hope that people will respond and that in the future I will have the opportunity to clear up and classify.

These definition are not meant to be definitive and it is my honest feeling that they are unimportant. If you are transgender you are you and the path you walk is your own. Others may have taken similar routes but their answer is not yours and only you can find that. While other people may try and define you this is not something you need to do yourself. Simply be honest with yourself and open with your friends and loved ones and you will get where you are going.

Appendix

A quick reference for those who can’t be bothered reading the article. Please bear in mind these are my ideas only and are open for debate.

• Drag – A drag Queen (or King) or a drag artist is a person who provides a stylised impression of the opposite gender. They generally dress for comedic or show purposes and do not see themselves normally as being different to their accepted gender.
• Cross Dresser (CD) – A person (normally a male) who dresses in clothes of the opposite sex more for fun or comfort then for any other reasons. They may not wish to be seen as the opposite sex, they may be happy being seen as a male who dresses as a female.
• Transvestite (TV) – Very similar to the above, a tv is generally a male who dresses as a female and aims to pass or be accepted as a woman. They do not wish to be seen as being male, at least while they are dressed. They are not on hormones.
• Transexual (TS) – A transsexual is someone who has at least made a mental commitment to transition that is to change gender. Normally they will be living full time in the gender they feel they identify as and will be on hormones. They may have had full SRS (sexal reassignment surgery). Whether they are now a post-op ts or a woman is a debate for another time.
• Transgender (tg) – A catch all term for the above (with the possible expectation of drag). Transgender is a looser definition and is less prescriptive. It is not seen as being offensive.
• Tranny – A catch all term used by society in generally. It can be applied to all of the above. It can sometimes be seen as offensive.

Aimee Piper

I have been aware of my trans-tendencies since a young age, while I am not sure yet where I am going and what I want to be or be seen as I find trans-issues fascinating. I have a degree in Anthropology and while this certainly does not make me an expert it has given me some insight into how some concepts are cultural constructs as opposed to rigid facts. I believe gender is one of these.

Disclaimer

This essay is intended as a draft. I wrote it in an hour based on ideas I have had floating around in my head for some time. The ideas are my own and I understand that some people might disagree strongly with my views. I invite all courteous comments.

Gosh I’m so lazy! It’s been three weeks now and I still haven’t finished off my Sparkle report! In fairness though I have been a little busy. I’m still looking for a ‘proper’ job but for the last three weeks I’ve been doing a work placement which has been full-time so even though I’m not getting paid it certainly feels like a proper job!

Anyway, my last Sparkle related post had me finding my way home on the Friday night and fortunately not finding any unexpected visitors in my bed after losing my card key. On the Saturday I had the TotY to look forward too and so spent most of the day with my tummy bubbling with butterflies. The closer I came to the start of the event the more I wondered if I had maybe made a mistake in entering.

In the morning there was a undressed rehearsal for the event (by that I mean we weren’t dressed, not that we were undressed when we practiced) where the organisers explained to us how we were to get on and off the stage and at what points we were expected to pose and milk the crowd. Not everyone was en-femme already and so it was a little strange to see a few people standing around in general guy clothes and trying to figure out how they would look as a girl. AyCee and Cyndie were also there so it was another nice chance to catch up with them.

The actual event took place later in the evening and so we all started gathering in Sackville Gardens at around 5ish where a big stage had been set up. There had been acts on throughout the afternoon and the TotY was the last thing to take place so I guess you could say that it was the main event. The previous evening we had drawn out our order randomly and I had drawn the number 3. I was quite pleased with this as it meant that I would be one of the first so I would get it over with but I would not be *the* first and have everyone looking at me.

Here is a video that Emma Lovelace took backstage, hopefully she won’t mind me using it as it’s on YouTube already. I’m the little one milling around on the left at the start. The other girls were very friendly for the most part and were quite a diverse group. Most of the young girls had put in a lot of effort and there were some TSs who looked amazing. I felt a bit shy and wondering if I should have done a little more or if it was just nerves. As well as that there were some older girls too, some who had put in a lot of effort but at least one or two who I think had only entered for a bit of attention. We were only meant to be on stage for 30 seconds or so (and I was off and on perhaps a little too rushed due to my nerves) but she milked the crowd for a couple of minutes at least. It takes all types I suppose!

There were prizes in different categories such as ‘Best Deportation’ (walking), ‘Best Outfit’ and ‘Miss Congeniality’ as well as one give for most convincing which Cyndie rightly won. I didn’t get anything but then I hadn’t expected to especially considering how rushed everything was. I wasn’t convinced by my outfit or by how I had done my hair and as you can see from the above vid (which only catches a bit of me at the start) the shrug was a bad idea! Still, I had only entered for the fun of it and as a way of meeting new people and I defiantly achieved that and had a great time. Next year though I’ll try to be a bit more organised and take a smaller digital camera as I wasn’t able to take much with my large SLR.

Top TotY

Today I’m going to continue writing about Sparkle, as I said previously, it’s a pretty big topic and so it’s going to take me more then one post to cover some of the key events of the weekend from my perspective. Sparkle takes place in and around Canal Street on a Friday, Saturday and Sunday normally in July. While there are things happening on all three days, the biggest events take place on the Saturday, and the most popular of these is the Tranny of the Year competition.

I understand that in the early years of Sparkle (the event only began in 2004) the competition had been known as the ‘Miss Sparkle’ pagent but somewhere along the line someone decided to rebrand the event. Personally I feel that Miss Sparkle is a better name than Tranny of the Year however I must admit that ‘TotY’ is a useful acronym. I do feel however that it might blur the edges of who the competition is for as some people might not like to refer to themselves as a ‘tranny’ while others feel that the name implies it should be limited to transvestites. I was chatting to someone after the event who told me that they did not feel it was fair as transsexuals were allowed to enter. From my own perspective I did not mind but I can see where they were coming from.

When I attended Sparkle last year I bumped into my friend Jessica, a girl I knew from chix who had entered the competition. It seemed like a lot of fun and a great way to meet new people (not to mention get a little attention) and so I thought that it would be fun to enter.

I sent in my application a couple of months before the event and swapped some emails with Leah True, tgirl extrodanair and one of the organisers of Sparkle. I received some instructions on things to consider when being marked during the pagent and an invitation to pick up my competition sash from AXM, the bar in Manchester which was hosting the launch party.

I arrived by myself on the Friday evening a flittered about as I usually seem to do at these events before catching Leah’s eye and introducing myself. Leah is a lovely person, very friendly and welcoming and we sat down as I registered and received my competition sash. In previous years the sashs had had the entrants name written on them, and I must admit this was one of the attractions of entering, so I was a little sad to see that the sashs were generic, with the name of the sponsor and event as well as an individual number. Leah explained that they had been short of entrants up until quite late and so did not have the two weeks needed in advance to send them to the printers. Also, the cost were a little expensive and it was one expense they perhaps didn’t need. (I should point out that there is no entrance fee for Sparkle or the contest and while I don’t know where they get the money from, the organisers manage to do a fantastic job.

After receiving my sash I had a new key card to use for getting into conversations which after all, was one of the main reasons why I had entered. I met several other girls who were competing and some of them I feel I clicked with very well especially two girls from Birmingham called AyCee and Cyndie. It was also easier to talk to other people and I met a very nice girl from Scotland called Cat and was able to catch up with another few friend who I had not been able to meet before including another Jess, this time from Leeds. Jess was a very cool chick and I had spoken to her off and on for a couple of years so to finally meet her was a high point for my weekend.

For the rest of the night I hung around with Cat, AyCee and Cyndie as well as meeting up with another friend Aleks who I had also been talking to for a couple of years and had met at the previous Indulgence, the BDSM club night in my home town. I was having a really good evening until I discovered that my clutch handbag had popped open and half of the contents had fallen out! someone on the street very kindly tapped me on the shoulder to point it out and I managed to scramble all of the bits lying at my feet back in. It was only later that I realised I had not gathered everything…

One of the great things about Canal Street is that its is the LGBTG heart of Manchester and also a place where many people go on hen and stag nights. Many people there are gay or bi but far from everyone and tgirls are a common site so abuse or negative comments are rare and often outweighed by the positive. I remember being accosted by a girl who was out with her gaggle of girl friends who wanted to pose with me and take photos which I took to be a compliment.

It was about 2am when I next opened my purse to check the contents and realised that I was missing something. Fortunately my money and card were still there but somewhere in Canal Street I had lost my room key! The key was a card that fitted into the door of my room and was pretty generic, but with it I had lost a small card that had come with it which had contained my room number and the name of the hotel. Fearing that some randomer might have found them and was now sleeping in my bed I decided, reluctantly, that I should return to my room.

As no one else was staying in my direction I had a long, lonely walk back but I made it to the hotel unscathed and the nigh porter let me in. I told him I lost my key and he checked my name off the list and issued me with a room key. I asked if I needed to pay anything but he waved me away implying that it was a common occurence. I went back to my room and found it in the same state I had left it a few hours earlier and felt relief but I was also a bit annoyed that my airheadedness had curtailed a good night. Still, it was only Friday and tomorrow was another day.

Back from Sparkle

Just got back from Sparkle earlier today. Its nice to have a chance to rest my poor feet! I'm normally quite good in heels but I've never worn them for practically two days solid before. Deffinatly something else to add to the need-to-buy list: a pair of nice flat shoes!

I have a lot to write about and I doubt very much that it will all fit into one blog post but I'll try and cover a bit of the background in this post and a general overview of the weekend. As covered in previous enties this year was my second Sparkle, the first being twelve months ago. I was a bit disorganised that time and and ended up crashing on peoples floors. It was ok, but I did feel as if I was imposing a little. This time I made sure to book a hotel room early but having not met up with many people who I knew were going I didn't end up sharing with anyone. I ended up being quite far from other people and this made me feel a little bit isolated as I was often wandering around by myself while waiting for people. I'll have to make sure to rectify this before I start re-enforcing my image as the resident billy-no-mates of Sparkle.

Hopefully though I met enough people over the weekend that I will be able to arrange to stay closer to people and maybe even share a room. I got a good deal at the hotel and it wasn't to expensive but if I'd been in a triple instead of a single it would have been cheaper and I wouldn't have had to share a bathroom. There were at least three people who I met for the first time over the weekend who I've actually known for probably two years each and it was nice to finally meet in purpose and see them as real people as opposed to electronic-contacts.

Thats probably the best thing about Sparkle, there are so many people that its the best chance to meet new friends. The fact its in Manchester's Canal Street as opposed to just a night in a bar means that you can do alot more mingling and talk to stranger or friends-of-friends more naturally and without shouting.

Anyway, I'm tired and need to catch up with my sleep so I'll finish there for tonight but promise to write more when I get half a chance!

Another Night of Indulgence

About 12 months ago, the organisers of my local munch decided that they were going to set up a club night, so that people from my little city and the surrounding area can get their local fetish fix. Having been overseas for much of the last year, I missed the first couple of events but heard that they were very well attended and successful. I managed to make it to the last one and covered it in a previous blog and last Saturday I made to to my second Club Indulgence.

Previous events had had some great numbers but perhaps had not been as well organised as the group might have hoped. To tighten things up we got together a five-person committee to take responsibility for different things and somehow I ended up being the fifth member. Not that I had too much responsibilities to worry about and, to be honest I didn't actually make any of the pre-event meetings, but it did mean that I was able to wear a shiny badge on the night that told everyone I was a Team Member.

In my case being a team member consisted of pestering everyone to buy raffle tickets, making sure that no one was sitting around on their own like a lemon and test driving any of the equipment that others thought wasn't getting the attention it deserved. All this was quite fun although I did feel a little bad pestering people to buy raffle tickets but most people bought a fivers worth and we made a fair amount of money which was split between an equipment fund and a chosen charity. In this case it was for a domestic violence supporting group which was a very worthy cause.

For the night we kindly had some equipment loaned by the local barn that I have blogged about previously, including the frame that had been put together at the scrap yard challenge the other week. In addition to this there was a flogging bench, a netted frame and a very small cage which I got locked in for a small chunk of the night. The cage seemed tiny and I had to back in but I was quite pleased at how long I was able to remain in it without feeling too uncomfortable.

Having my 'Team Member' and being forced to sell raffle tickets meant that I was able to talk to everyone who came to the club night. We only had abut 30-35 people which was less then normal but it was a good enough number that people didn't feel over crowded and could talk to each other and use the different pieces of equipment.

The night finished at about two and I stayed to help tidy up at the end. Everything ran really smoothly and I'm looking forward to the next one which will be in September.