Getting the Munchies

Well it's been over a week since my last entry so I thought I'd write a quick not to let you all know how things are going. Things are still on for going to the BNO on the 13th, I've had to tell my folks it's a "friend's birthday" and hopefully that'll avoid too many questions. I hate lying to my folks but I'm also not ready to tell them that I'm heading down to Milton Keynes to dress up in girl's clothes and hang out with a bunch of trannies. I'm still hoping that a job will come up and I'll be able to move out so that the next time I decide to go out in MK or Mancs I won't need to say anything.

The other news is that I've been talking to a very nice local D/s couple recently and this week met the slave half in person for a coffee. She's involved with the local Munch and it seems that getting involved with something like that is the best way to explore BDSM. For those who don't know what a Munch is, its basically a bunch of people with an interest in BDSM getting together for a drink essentially. So is deffinatly the safest way to meet up with genuine people which should be cool. Hopefully I'd be able to go down and meet up with the munch crew in the next week or so and start moving forward with exploring BDSM, so yay! :D

I'm still playing with the idea of doing some modeling as well. Am talking to a few tog's at the moment but unfortunatly the ones who I seem to get on the best with are the other end of the country while the photogrophers who I have the most oppertunity to meet up with don't seem quite as easy to talk with. It's deffinatly something I'll hopefully do at some point but like the rest of my exploration, it's best not to rush into these things. Anyone, until I do here are some kinky pics that somone photo shopped for me, hehe. Hope you like!

The Rest of the Story

Ok, so I felt a bit of a tease the other day by starting to tell you all about my visit to see Rachel. But I did feel that the blog was getting a bit long and I like to keep these posts short and pithy so as not to bore you all to death. So where did I get up to...

I'd managed to navigate myself past the hazardous school kids, slipped on my wig and found my way to Rachel's door. To be honest I hadn't given too much thought to this moment over the last 24 hours. I think part of the reason I suggested meeting up with such short notice is that I knew if we planned to meet the next week or later that we both might have second thoughts or something else might have come up. This way I had no chance to back out as I knocked on the door.

I'd spoken to Rachel on the phone and seen her on web cam before we met and both helped to make me feel reassured. When she opened the door I knew I'd made the right choice to meet. Rachel was older then me but she had a very sexy and classy look and defiantly knew how to put an outfit together. She invited me in, and being a good English host, offered me a cup of tea.

We sat in her front room and chatted for a while. I was still in my andro outfit -boi jean and jacket with a girl tee and bra on under- and so soon switched to my new dress. It was the first chance I'd gotten to wear it properly. I've put a picture up so that you can see. It's a very pretty classy dress i think although a little figure hugging. That's fine of course if you have a nice figure but mine needs a little bit of work.

I did feel a little over dressed and so I changed into something a little more natural, my girl tee with a blue denim skirt. I looked similar to how I looked in this picture. Unfortunately I didn't have room to take my camera in my bag and I felt it would have been a little rude to have asked Rachel to take some pictures of me, so all pics here were taken after the event.

Before we met I had told Rachel a bit about my sub side and she had admitted to having a Domme side. So after chatting for a little while she suggested that maybe we could play for a little bit. My heart nearly skipped a beat as although I have long dreamed of participating in some D/s play I had never had the opportunity to try anything in real life.

Rachel took me through to her back room and instructed me to kneel down facing the corner. This I did while she disappeared out of the room. The sensation of kneeling felt good to me and I enjoyed holding a submissive position with my hands on the back of my head. After a few minutes Rachel returned, but now with her legs clad in a pair of black knee high boots.

Before we began Rachel had asked what kind of fantasies I had and I had confessed having a puppy girl fantasy. It was in this direction that she now guided me. She forbade me from making eye contact and instructed me to speak only when permitted. These restrictions made me feel even more submissive and at her whim. Not being able to look up at someone but to stare at a fixed spot on the floor made me feel very isolated and on the edge.

Miss Rachel, as I began to think of her, instructed me how to kneeling pleasingly with my hands forward like a puppy and had me crawl across the floor. She instructed me to come to heel and punished me if I was not quick enough or pleasing enough. She spanked me as punishment and although I'd never really thought of being spanked as being a turn on I really enjoyed it as i felt i was being disciplined and trained to be more pleasing and obedient.

She also had me kiss and lick her boots...I feel a bit shy about going into detail here but the whole point of this blog is to talk about my exploration of my femininity and submission so it would be unfair not to go into details. At the same time though I don't want to descend into anything too smutty...just yet...

I leaned down to kiss the toes of her boots and found at once that my hair fell down in the way. Miss Rachel told me to lick her boots and so I did, forced as I was to hold my hair back as I busied myself. I thought I might have felt shame or something doing this but I just felt so happy to obey and I wanted to please Miss Rachel. She instructed me to lick higher and clean all of the boot. The leather felt good under my tongue. Miss Rachel told me that she wanted to feel my tongue through the leather and so I licked harder, forcing my tongue against the leather as I licked up and down.

We finished shortly after that and returned to the front room. Miss Rachel told me just to call her Rachel again and we were back to how things had been before. We talked a little while longer and then I had to leave. I was sad to go and wish we had had longer to play. All in all it was only about 20 mins, but when your a subbie you can't really ask to go on longer then the Domme wishes. I for one loved the experience of D/s play and can't wait to do it again in the future. I hope Miss Rachel enjoyed it also and that we can meet up again soon. Even if it's just for another chat I'll be happy. It felt right to be myself and talk naturally without hiding my "dark secret".

The Beuaty of Bondage

Now that my secret love of BDSM is out in the open -not to mention the fact that I've placed a link to this blog on my collarme page- I thought that I would discuss my attraction to all things kinky in a little more depth.

Before I do that though I would like to thank everyone who has commented on my blog when they've seen me in chat rooms or emailed me at the various websites I frequent. It always makes me happy to know that people are reading and enjoying my blog and while all comments are welcome, comments on the blog itself are more so, as they allow the opportunity for discussion to develop and can influence the direction of topics I write about.

I've been drawn to BDSM from a young age, as soon as I first came across it when I was perhaps 14 or 15. I feel that, had I been born "a real girl" it would have been something I would have already have sought out and experienced. There is however less demand for a boy -especially a genderbender such as myself- from the BDSM massive. Of course tgirls are highly prized and many people admire tgurl models, but for every shemale starlet there is a rainbow of pantie wearers dreaming of what would happen "if only they had a chance." I'm not sure yet if I'm one of them or not.

What appeals to me most is perhaps the aesthetic beauty that I find from BDSM. The The outfits, the form, and the control inherent in bondage makes my tummy bubble and my loins ache. I've already mentioned how the cession of control resonates within me and bondage is the ultimate visual expression.The girl has no control and is positioned by others to be pleasing. This form can be simply kneeling in a corner or the use of elaborate outfits, cuffs, chains, ropes and collars. At the risk of sounding like a if-only-i-could dreamer, I will add that being a bondage model is also something I would seriously like, if I ever become presented with the opportunity of course.

O Mistress, Where Art Thou?

Wherein Penny discusses the Dark side of her psyche, talks with a real life ex t-gurl porn star, and becomes an Owned sex doll for slightly over a week.

Some of you may, on occasion, have stumbled across some of the profiles i have on a myriad of sites on the interweb and so already be aware that as well as having an active interest in dressing like a member of the feminine sex I also have an interest in the deliciously dark world of BDSM.

Which came first I do not know, but for many years now my desire to dress and experience BDSM have gone hand in hand. In fact, my brother found out I was tg when, finding my porn collection which I had in my youthful folly decided to save on a communal pc, asked me if I wanted to do that kind of things to girls, to which I had to nervously reply that, no, I would much rather be the girl themselves.

I will not discuss too much in this space the various things that appeal to me in the BDSM scene, or the experiences I have had so far -to do so would make too long a post and drain the interest from all but the most avid and intrepid of readers- but will let you in on an experience I've had in this last week.

One of the websites I frequent is Collarme, a wonderfully inept website for finding the right kind of person I'm after but spectacular for finding an assortment of weido's, wannabes, and money whores. (I apologise for the aside her, but this week I messaged as so-called Mistress asking to talk and received the reply that to do so i must top up her phone in tribute. When i declined to do so because i believed it undermined the fundamental trust between a submissive and a Dominant she disdainfully declared that she had no time for freeloaders!) It is very difficult to find people who not only match your kinks, but also your location, as wells as being physically attractive to you. This week however I got as close as I've been for a long while.

I met a Master who certainly ticked all the boxes for the way i liked to be treated, he said the right things and made me say the kind of things i love being made to say. he was also well educated, well off and well endowed. (the last bit is actually a lie, i didn't see his member, but felt I had to add it for literary effect) The only trouble is that he was much older then me and I was not sure how physically attractive I found him.

We chatted for a while on messengers and mic and even arranged to meet. i was nervous but took all the normal precautions of making sure it was public and I could get away if needs be. At this point, to dissuade any undue disappointment of anyone expecting a tale of a steamy sojourn i'll tell you now that the meeting never happened. The trouble was, i think he disagreed with me on the basic principle that while a submissive does indeed submit, she is essentially an equal to the Master.

I'm a big believe in equality, and that doesn't mean I don't get excited about name calling, and orders, but I think that a Dominant should care for their subbie and graciously accept and respect the gift of submission they are given. In short, they should expect no more of the subbies time and effort then they would give themselves and should trust them as much as the subbie gives them trust.

This is where the relationship broke down, i felt I was giving much of what he asked, my time in writing reports, and by thinking of him all day (it really was very exciting while it was going on) but I did not feel I was getting the same in return. We talked most days and then I didn't hear from him for a few days. I gradually stopped writing reports as I was getting none back, nor a list of instructions/rules that had been promised. I naturally assumed that there had been some problem, that he would get to me when he could, and that something must have just come up. As it happens I was right. Perhaps. However unfortunately he was not such a positive thinker.

After a few days of nothing I got a note left on my messenger "I suspect that you no longer want to continue this relationship." I was incensed, ok, i had not written for a few days, but i had been on and waiting and had been thinking of him alot. I assumed he had his reasons for not writing, but he assumed that I had lost interest or something. And in doing so, I did.

For me, my attraction to a Dominant is largely based upon respect, and for him to assume the worst i had lost some of the respect i had had for him. He tried to explain saying that his father had been ill and he'd been busy, and also that he could not meet as planned. Whether this was true or not matters little, i would like to believe him. But to assume the worst of me i felt was disrespectful. I told him I needed to reconsider things, and maybe I will. But since that happened, several days ago now, I have no heard from him. I will see how things go in the future but I am not holding my breath. Oh well, maybe when I move down to London....

Disclaimer: Penny apologises for the false advertising about meeting a real life ex-tgurl porn star. This is in fact true but she sadly felt this post would be too long to mention it in this space. Penny apreciates all comments from her readers especially those which may lead on to future blog topics. If there is anything you would like to know more about please leave Penny a comment and she will endevor to touch upon the subject in the near future.