Guirlyboi

Ok, so little nervous about this pic. As you can see, this is me without a wig so no anyone who reads this blog can recognise me on the street, oooh errr!

I had second, third, and fourth thoughts about posting this picture but the feedback and support from several friends who encouraged me to post it was decisive in my decision. That and I actually quite like this picture myself. As much as a love my new wig, it is nice to think that I can look natural and femme using my own hair. Well, I think I do, but you can make up your own minds I'm sure.

It is a little worrying thinking that now people know what I look like and I hope this picture won't come back to haunt me when I become UN Secretary General but two things convinced me otherwise.

Firstly, as much as all the fame of having people reading and commenting on my blog has inflated my own ego, I have little delusions about how many people actually read this blog. (I'm pretty certain that out of the 2000 hits at least 500 have been me checking on my site.) Anyone who reads this will have an interest in tgurls and so no one is going to out me without also outing themselves.

The second thing is that fact that I don't really care if people know that I'm transgender. When I came out to people in Japan, and to my brother it was a relief having people know about the real me and it's something I hope to achieve now I'm back in the UK (when I move down to London of course) And besides, anyone who reacts negatively is probably not someone I want to be friends with anyway.

I hope that by posting this picture it'll help me come to terms more with who I am and maybe also encourage other people not to care I someone recognises something you post and outs you. Still, doesn't make me any less nervous about posting....please me nice to me.

The Beuaty of Bondage

Now that my secret love of BDSM is out in the open -not to mention the fact that I've placed a link to this blog on my collarme page- I thought that I would discuss my attraction to all things kinky in a little more depth.

Before I do that though I would like to thank everyone who has commented on my blog when they've seen me in chat rooms or emailed me at the various websites I frequent. It always makes me happy to know that people are reading and enjoying my blog and while all comments are welcome, comments on the blog itself are more so, as they allow the opportunity for discussion to develop and can influence the direction of topics I write about.

I've been drawn to BDSM from a young age, as soon as I first came across it when I was perhaps 14 or 15. I feel that, had I been born "a real girl" it would have been something I would have already have sought out and experienced. There is however less demand for a boy -especially a genderbender such as myself- from the BDSM massive. Of course tgirls are highly prized and many people admire tgurl models, but for every shemale starlet there is a rainbow of pantie wearers dreaming of what would happen "if only they had a chance." I'm not sure yet if I'm one of them or not.

What appeals to me most is perhaps the aesthetic beauty that I find from BDSM. The The outfits, the form, and the control inherent in bondage makes my tummy bubble and my loins ache. I've already mentioned how the cession of control resonates within me and bondage is the ultimate visual expression.The girl has no control and is positioned by others to be pleasing. This form can be simply kneeling in a corner or the use of elaborate outfits, cuffs, chains, ropes and collars. At the risk of sounding like a if-only-i-could dreamer, I will add that being a bondage model is also something I would seriously like, if I ever become presented with the opportunity of course.

A bit more about me

So I realised in the first blog or two that I gave out some pretty criptic info and wanted to take some more time talking about what I meant here.

First I'd like to say that Penny is not a persona, but is who I am. I know many people who talk about 'not having had time to be Charlotte', or 'going out as Amanda' but for me thats just not having time to dress or just plain going out. I am Penny, I always have been Penny and I always will be Penny, its just who I am, although that doesn't mean I always have the chance to dress in girls clothes, but I'm Penny no matter what I wear.

The other thing I wanted to address is why it's taken me so long to want to be dressed more. On one hand I'm saying "This is who I am" and on the other I'm saying "I've only been out dressed a couple of times" so why doesn't everyone know who I am and then I dress how i damn well please? Well the simple answer I'm afraid is fear. I'm not a big fan of "coming out" and my parents and many of my close friends who I've known for years don't know I'm transgender and frankly I'm terrafied of telling them. I don't know if it's becuase I've known them for so long, or possibly becuase I come from a Christian background -and still consider myself as such- and am not sure how open minded some Christians can be.

Now thats not to say I'm a closet transgenderist (or cd if you prefer) but its just hard coming out to the people who have know you the longest. Especially as on one level I don't think the *need* to know. (Ok i realise i'm making lots of contradictions but I hope you'll let me off for now). I have come out to several people, my brother firstly whose a wonderful guy and this then gave me the courage to come out to some of my closest friends in Japan where I was living at the time. It was really nice to have a group of people who knew who I was. Essentially thats what I'm hoping to do now. I want to move to a new place and be open about who I am to the people I meet. Its a lot easier telling new people about who I am then telling people who have known me for years.

Penny Picture

This is a picture I took in Tokyo on my first ever night out! That seems a long time ago now, 18 months, it was such a good night. I've only really been out once since then as my chances have been limited for various reasons. However, at the time of writing I'm preparing to move to a new job (once I find one that is) in a new city and hopefully start a new adventure!

Welcome to my Blog!

Welcome to my blog! whooo hoooo, yay! and all that jazz.

Hello everyone I'm Penny and I guess I'll just start of by telling you, my readers, a little about me and give a few disclaimers. Sorry about the disclaimers, but I'm a very confused/confusing person and so it's probably best that you understand where I'm coming from from the start.

So I'm Penny, a 25 y/o t-something from the UK. No I don't really get all the transgender definitions and everyone seems to have a different take on what the different labels mean. As I have no great desire to pigeon hole myself I'll tell you a bit more about myself and you can make up any labels you like if that's what floats your boat.

I was born and live as a boy, and I'm happy with that, although in the back of my mind I've always wondered what it would be like to be a girl. I remember dressing up and playing with my little ponies as a child, finding the Internet and telling people I was a girl (very bad, lying is not nice *slap on the wrist*) until I realised THERE IS ANOTHER WAY!

I started chatting to people online and got more comfortable with that female part of me. I enjoyed people knowing who I really was and being cool with that. I don't think I'd consider a sex change any time soon (as I said I'm happy being a boy) but I want to explore being a girl too.

Essentially that's what this blog is (or will be) my exploration as a 21st Century Child.