Wherein Penny discusses the Dark side of her psyche, talks with a real life ex t-gurl porn star, and becomes an Owned sex doll for slightly over a week.
Some of you may, on occasion, have stumbled across some of the profiles i have on a myriad of sites on the interweb and so already be aware that as well as having an active interest in dressing like a member of the feminine sex I also have an interest in the deliciously dark world of BDSM.
Which came first I do not know, but for many years now my desire to dress and experience BDSM have gone hand in hand. In fact, my brother found out I was tg when, finding my porn collection which I had in my youthful folly decided to save on a communal pc, asked me if I wanted to do that kind of things to girls, to which I had to nervously reply that, no, I would much rather be the girl themselves.
I will not discuss too much in this space the various things that appeal to me in the BDSM scene, or the experiences I have had so far -to do so would make too long a post and drain the interest from all but the most avid and intrepid of readers- but will let you in on an experience I've had in this last week.
One of the websites I frequent is Collarme, a wonderfully inept website for finding the right kind of person I'm after but spectacular for finding an assortment of weido's, wannabes, and money whores. (I apologise for the aside her, but this week I messaged as so-called Mistress asking to talk and received the reply that to do so i must top up her phone in tribute. When i declined to do so because i believed it undermined the fundamental trust between a submissive and a Dominant she disdainfully declared that she had no time for freeloaders!) It is very difficult to find people who not only match your kinks, but also your location, as wells as being physically attractive to you. This week however I got as close as I've been for a long while.
I met a Master who certainly ticked all the boxes for the way i liked to be treated, he said the right things and made me say the kind of things i love being made to say. he was also well educated, well off and well endowed. (the last bit is actually a lie, i didn't see his member, but felt I had to add it for literary effect) The only trouble is that he was much older then me and I was not sure how physically attractive I found him.
We chatted for a while on messengers and mic and even arranged to meet. i was nervous but took all the normal precautions of making sure it was public and I could get away if needs be. At this point, to dissuade any undue disappointment of anyone expecting a tale of a steamy sojourn i'll tell you now that the meeting never happened. The trouble was, i think he disagreed with me on the basic principle that while a submissive does indeed submit, she is essentially an equal to the Master.
I'm a big believe in equality, and that doesn't mean I don't get excited about name calling, and orders, but I think that a Dominant should care for their subbie and graciously accept and respect the gift of submission they are given. In short, they should expect no more of the subbies time and effort then they would give themselves and should trust them as much as the subbie gives them trust.
This is where the relationship broke down, i felt I was giving much of what he asked, my time in writing reports, and by thinking of him all day (it really was very exciting while it was going on) but I did not feel I was getting the same in return. We talked most days and then I didn't hear from him for a few days. I gradually stopped writing reports as I was getting none back, nor a list of instructions/rules that had been promised. I naturally assumed that there had been some problem, that he would get to me when he could, and that something must have just come up. As it happens I was right. Perhaps. However unfortunately he was not such a positive thinker.
After a few days of nothing I got a note left on my messenger "I suspect that you no longer want to continue this relationship." I was incensed, ok, i had not written for a few days, but i had been on and waiting and had been thinking of him alot. I assumed he had his reasons for not writing, but he assumed that I had lost interest or something. And in doing so, I did.
For me, my attraction to a Dominant is largely based upon respect, and for him to assume the worst i had lost some of the respect i had had for him. He tried to explain saying that his father had been ill and he'd been busy, and also that he could not meet as planned. Whether this was true or not matters little, i would like to believe him. But to assume the worst of me i felt was disrespectful. I told him I needed to reconsider things, and maybe I will. But since that happened, several days ago now, I have no heard from him. I will see how things go in the future but I am not holding my breath. Oh well, maybe when I move down to London....
Disclaimer: Penny apologises for the false advertising about meeting a real life ex-tgurl porn star. This is in fact true but she sadly felt this post would be too long to mention it in this space. Penny apreciates all comments from her readers especially those which may lead on to future blog topics. If there is anything you would like to know more about please leave Penny a comment and she will endevor to touch upon the subject in the near future.
Ok, so little nervous about this pic. As you can see, this is me without a wig so no anyone who reads this blog can recognise me on the street, oooh errr!
